Build Habits That Stick
With the New Year starting, a lot of folks fall prey to the mentality of “New Year, New Me” and begin setting grandiose goals to stop eating out as much, to stop drinking during the week, to put down their phone more and be present, or things of that nature. Then, after a few weeks or months we go back to our old ways. Why is this?
It’s not because we don’t want healthy habits more in our lives or that we weren’t initially motivated to maintain those goals. But rather that we lacked accountability or consistency. We often become more focused on the goal itself that the behaviors following never fully aligned with our desire for self-discipline.
Let’s define a few key aspects before we dive into the “how” of building habits:
Motivation means the desire to take action. I like to break this down into intrinsic and extrinsic motivation to further explain how to get started with goals.
Extrinsic motivation is when we are motivated by forces outside of ourselves. This is often associated with a reward or punishment of some sort (i.e. working hard to get another promotion).
Intrinsic motivation is led by our genuine enjoyment and interest of engaging in a behavior. This means that we feel connected to the goal and it is internally driving us to be better (i.e. working hard to feel accomplished and fulfilled in your work).
Self-discipline is our ability to control our feelings, actions, or thought patterns to achieve a certain goal, regardless of temptations. When we say “I need to be more disciplined” it gets categorized as another trait to add to our personality. Self-discipline becomes part of your lifestyle, not just you as a person.
Accountability means that we are held responsible for our actions. It means you were intentional with a behavior initially and now feel obliged to continue with said behavior.
Consistency is synonymous with stability. I like to interchange consistency and maintenance when working on building habits because it means that progress in a positive direction has been made. Now it is just a matter of finding stability in your life.
Now that we have a clear understanding of what these main aspects of building habits entails, let’s put them together! I frequently hear from clients (myself included) that they need to be more self-disciplined and struggle with maintaining new skills or behaviors. Of course it will feel draining when we want to drastically change how we show up in life and keep setting goals that don’t lead to emotional freedom. We have to start slowly and at the beginning.
When we have a goals-focused life, we are often finding ourselves burnt out or living for what society expects of us. However, when we shift into a values-focused life, we summon internal guidance that leads us to feeling more fulfilled and accomplished with the goals we set in life. (Watch this short video for more information on Values- vs. Goals-Focused Living).
Goals are essential to have in life. I hope that message is clear so far. But we often fall into the cycle of having the same goals repeat themselves because our motivation is not lining up with what we value most. Sometimes, we even struggle with valuing ourselves that we don’t even try to change unhealthy habits.
How do we know what motivates us? Well, this is obviously dependent on who you are as a person. There is no shame in starting a new behavior initially based on extrinsic motivation because that is sometimes the push we need to get going! It is up to you (and your therapist) to identify what you intrinsically want for yourself and what you value in life to keep the healthy habits consistent.
When we know what motivates us and what our “why” is every day, then we begin to develop self-discipline. Remember, self-discipline is a way of life which means we have to keep repeating those healthy behaviors on a regular basis until it becomes natural for us. This is a process called neuroplasticity which means our brain has the ability to change itself and form new neural connections. Isn’t that cool! You can literally change the pathways in your brain by maintaining healthy behaviors.
On a side note, that doesn’t mean you are erasing the old neural pathways. So when we hit that wall after a few weeks or months, or have the first hiccup in our new routine (i.e. getting sick), our brain resorts back to what we knew before so quickly. This is a normal relapse in behaviors, but it is crucial to get back into those healthy habits you were building consistently.
The final part I wanted to touch on was the aspect of accountability. Identifying your motivations, setting goals, and being consistent with self-discipline are nothing without accountability. We need some source of responsibility for us to feel productive oftentimes.
A popular format for setting goals follows the SMART template (listed below) to see our goals in a more concrete perspective. When we write down our goals, that in itself can be enough accountability for some folks. But when you need more of a push or someone to report to, share your goals with someone you trust. Find someone or a few folks in your life that will help check in with your goals regularly and remind you of your motivations. Maybe even connect on a goal with someone to help each other out (i.e. exercise buddy!).
Specific: The goal should be clearly defined and connected to your values.
Measurable: The goal should have an objective way to measure it (i.e. deadline, number goal, etc.)
Achievable: The goal should be within your capabilities, or have the room for you to learn skills.
Relevant: The goal should matter to you and fulfill your intrinsic motivation.
Time-bound: The goal should have a deadline or set milestones to track your progress (i.e. within the next 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 3 months, etc.)
You don’t have to wait until January 1st to start on new goals. I would even encourage you to use the next several days to just identify your motivations and set a game plan for yourself. You can also start mid-year on your goals. There is no overarching timeline and everybody grows at their own pace. Focus on how you want to improve over the next few months or years; envision the life you want that will feel fulfilling.
Find your serenity in life and be compassionate to yourself along the path of progress. Stay focused. Stay disciplined. Most importantly, stay true to yourself.
