Hold Boundaries & Feel Less Guilt
Increase Your Self-Worth Through Setting Your Standards
Boundaries are your limitations. They help protect your worth and authentic self. Boundaries are not for other people in your life, even though they may be influenced by others' behaviors at times. Boundaries allow you the space to be yourself and increase your autonomy.
I know all too well how overwhelming it can feel to set boundaries, or even where to start with the boundary setting process. We see on social media or read in self-help books about the benefits of setting boundaries, but when also struggling with anxiety or people pleasing traits, feelings of guilt begin to surface that often gets overlooked. Guilt is normal. Guilt can be healthy when setting your standards. It means your body is accepting of the healthy shift that is coming in your life.
The hard truth with setting boundaries is that you will feel so much guilt for putting your needs first. You will go back on those boundaries several times before they stick. You will oscillate between loving your new confident self and feeling isolated with these new changes. But I am here to tell you that it is worth it. That you are worth it.
With all the information out there about setting boundaries, I think it is helpful to have a simplified way of looking at it. You don’t have to set a boundary in the next week, or cut ties with family members within the next 3 months, but you do have to begin looking inward today. Try out my Boundary Breakdown to help guide you in getting started:
First, identify your needs and label your limits. You may ask, “How do I know what my needs are?” and this is exactly where you start. Explore the spectrum of your needs on a daily basis; begin taking an inventory of what you need emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially, professionally, financially, etc. Recognize situations where you struggle to have those needs met, either within yourself or in relationships with others. Notice where others may take advantage of you, misunderstand your feelings, or when you struggle to say, “No.”
Second, communicate your boundaries with people directly or a friend to hold you more accountable in the beginning. You cannot control other people’s behaviors (as we are all well aware of), so it’s your responsibility to communicate your expectations moving forward with this change. This phase is repeated often in the boundary setting process and typically called the “Broken-Record Technique”.
Third, maintain your boundaries consistently. You must honor this new and assertive version of yourself. People will try to push through your boundaries because that is what they may be used to within the relationship dynamic. You take those opportunities as a time to re-evaluate your communication effectiveness, potentially distance yourself for a brief time, or do whatever is needed to stay true to your values.
Boundaries are a way to provide a safe haven for your emotions. They are not walls to keep others out, but a layer of protection for your mental health. You will feel moments of discomfort, guilt, anxiety, freedom, joy, relief, and so many other emotions under the sun throughout this journey. It is important to have someone alongside you to navigate these responses.
I encourage you to embark on a self-discovery journey and connect with your feelings of discomfort. Focus on building trust and confidence in committing to yourself daily. Set small boundaries that are within your control such as you planning to exercise 3 days a week and telling a friend, partner, or therapist about this goal, then following through with what you set up for yourself.
Taking action each day that aligns with your authentic self will open you up to feeling more capable of upholding boundaries in more difficult situations or relationships. Growth happens when we are most uncomfortable, so let us shift towards feeling more comfortable on the other side of healthy boundaries.
Reach out today if you are interested in improving your relationships with others and confidence in yourself!
